Ah, yes. There goes that feeling again. The feeling that one directs towards another because his or her heart's fluttering like mad, telling him or her that he or she doesn't want to be alone anymore. It's this feeling that motivates people to satisfy their emotional pains by being with their love.

Yes, love is beautiful and happy and....

...I hate that feeling.

To me, love is a beast that tears at my both my soul and my mind to a point where not even the most tranquil of songs could pacify. Love is a dagger that stabs and stabs at me until I beg for my own death. It is a torment that I would have gladly purged, no matter the sacrifice.

Yes, I am in love with someone....again. But not matter how many chances I've had to admit it, I could never let go of my feelings, choosing instead to hide them and keep them to myself....again. What sickens me is how she actually has feelings for me and yet, despite knowing this for quite a long while, I still decide to hold back. Then again, she may have already given up.

So shouldn't I just ask her?  The thing is, I don't quite know myself. I can't even tell if it's my fear of love itself or my fear of ultimately breaking up that drives my urge to resist and restrain my feelings. Maybe it's both. Perhaps its my fault for holding this in myself for so long.

In any case, I suppose there's no point in trying. Chances are, I'll probably never be able to see her with the pain I've probably caused by holding back these feelings. Heck, maybe my speculation was false all along and I'm just crazy to think I could tell when someone loves me. Now, if only it was possible for this feeling to leave me completely...

...too bad it's beyond impossible....

ahem..*clears throat*
..............
..........
hi?
.........
*singing crickets in background*
........hmm.......

[Edit]....I think it's safe to assume that everyone i know has died here on goody, old xanga, no?
Okay....time for a little stroll down memory lane (this WILL be short cause if I spend any more time than I feel like at the moment, I'm afraid i'm gonna lose myself for good)

Now, where to start?

....I have no idea how to start. (You usually don't do stuff like this on facebook. Then again, facebook isn't a blog)

I don't even wanna go through elementary school. All that happened there was me being a bookworm/emo. So, I'm gonna start after that.

The summer after 6th grade actually wasn't at all that interesting. It was the first time I watched a rated R movie (The Matrix)....which was also where I learned my first swear words .....

Oh good grief. I was such a swearer that I was on a roll on 7th grade. Hah, 7th grade. The year where i felt like a wannabe. It was also the same year I met Krystal, Shara, Sammy, Francis, Jennifer Fang, Den-Den (=P) and Cynthia, with Francis' meeting being the most painful (I still remember that first time, Franny >=/). I met krystal around the beginning of 7th grade, when she would always jump around Chris Tseng and go "Hi" all the time. For the other three, I pretty much got acquaitned around the latter half of 7th grade. The funny thing is...they were all in my Life Science class. I guess I never really did bother to pay attention about my classmates, being that rather antisocial one yet somewhat of a dramatic wannabe. I remembering meeting Shara in Pre-Alg honors. As for that panda/chicken/wahtever animal he's calling himself now, we had the same english 7 class (and, not to be rude or anything, but I remembered you as chubby XPP) we had the same obsession over Magic: The Gathering. I have no idea how I met Jennifer =,='...though I do remember she were in my Video/Film class andshe once mentioned some scene involving me holding a tripod?

The summer of 7th grade was probably my least favorite of summers. Ironically, I felt as if that summer was the most life changing. Pretty much most of that summer was spent going to China with Iris but without our parents, to my great pleasure. Well, I did do a few stupid things over there, despite still living with my aunt and uncle over there. But, considering that I've never been alone before, the experience was kinda worth it, although we had to use our own relative's money to get back after overspending >.<. And how could I ever forget that this is the same summer that I started my anime obsession starting with Gundam Wing. Hah, it might not seem like a big deal to people these days, but anime has had a huge impact on me, and I thank Gundam Wing with the bottom of my heart.

8th grade.......heh......probably the most unique first experience i've ever had. I've never been one with having friends, and yet I felt like I was actually gaining friends, though they were generally met through Sammy. It was that year that I met Anthony, Justin, Sally, Kimberly, Peter (well...I knew him from elementary, but we weren't exactly acquinted till about then), Jenne (or Jenny or Jenni....wow, that's qutie a lot of name changes), Chris N. (or takuto for the sake of confusion) and Laura.....and I'm sure as fricking hell that I met more people.. (though, nowadays, my memory's not as well as I used to brag about...i'm going senile T.T)...I  met anthony through Sammy and Justin through anthony/sammy. I met Sally in Physical Science class when we were sitting in the same table with that annoying wannabe pimp at the same table (I think his name was Cody....). I met Laura through Jenne who I met in P.E. and eventually met Takuto through Justin (I just suddenly rmembered his phone with that fly crashing into the screen XD). Putting all the acquaintences aside, that year was probably the most emotional of all.  It was that year that I felt jealousy, the first year that I felt aware of my words, the first year that I felt apathetic around me, the first year I felt torn between two choices (TP/CCA), and the first year I fell in love. 8th grade was definitely the year of emotion. Reading Martian Chronicles and loving it that same year only furthers my point.

I think i'll end my rant here. Everything following that feels too recent to walk along....

.....
wow.....it's been four years......

Feh....I'm still looking back now, and I can't help but feel like such an idiot back then. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be for everyone. But I've caused a lot of pain to a couple of them it feels kinda stupid that I'm not letting go...

....then again....